Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
