its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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