Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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