I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this beer tastes like vomit already
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
