Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Mom said you looked used
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
