i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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