quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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