Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
