The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize