No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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