i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
