I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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