im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
