Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
