Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
