I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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