just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
