I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
