not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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