I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
