im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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