dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
