have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
