omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize