the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
