I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize