you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
