and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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