I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
