just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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