May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
