I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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