Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize