Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
