2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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