Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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