i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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