how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
