Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
