I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
