My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize