You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
