my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
