Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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