Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize