I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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