Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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