Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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