I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize