just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
