If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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