Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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