Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
