I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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