Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Randomize
