we made out on top of his cat.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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