we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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