I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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