Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
