did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
