1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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